The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Joan's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Joan was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Joan told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Joan asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress?
Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place t! o wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Now what woman wouldn't like this story?!
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card...Swiped it down his CRACK...Grabbed the 60 Bucks...And went Home!!!
Bill's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."
Bill's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then the electric power goes out. Bill's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Bill says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
